Starlight, Starbright

September 24th, 2006

Mike cries in my arms. His story is so sad and so touching, I know that I need to make him feel loved.

In honest truth, I've always love him... I lied when I told him there was no spark between us. But he'd always been with someone else... or trying to be at least. I never had the courage to ask him out, but I was always hoping that he would one day... and now here he is, in my arms.

I try to think of a way I can make him feel loved... and decide that the most direct way is the best way... I try to ask him, but the words just don't want to come out... so I take off my shirt. I'm not wearing a bra because I'm at home and Mike being here is something of a surprise. I see that Mike is a little bit nervous, so I take his hand in mine and place it on the crotch of my jeans.

I'm so happy when he starts to undo the button. Finally, a sweet, caring guy who's also into sex... my perfect man.

He pulls my jeans down and he smiles mysteriously as he sees black velvet. He runs his fingertips across them and my spine shivers as I enjoy the feeling.

He pulls them off and I feel his fingers pressing me in just the right manner. I moan and I begin to play with my nipples. I love him so much... this feels so much better with someone I'm in love with. The feeling intensifies as he begins to use his tongue. I love it all and I've never felt closer to someone that at this moment. Finally, he takes off his clothing, revealing the body of somebody who has recently lost a lot of weight. But I don't care about that, all I know is that I love him. He plunges deep inside me and I scream in pleasure.

I bounce up and down on the couch, until we orgasm together.

His last words before passing out are "I love you Bridget."

I forgive him for that... he's gone through a traumatic experience recently.

I fall asleep wondering where this new relationship will go. I hope that it lasts forever.

September 30th, 2006

"Yah, that’s right, spank me harder Mike." I shout.

We are exploring one of our shared kinks... bondage and spanking, and I'm really enjoying it.

I've always been too scared to try this with my previous boyfriends... I worry that they'll go to far.. but I know that Mike won't. I trust him and I know that he loves me, as I love him.

Suddenly, he stops and runs out of the room crying. I'm curious... he's never done this before... but the fact that I'm tied to a bed makes it hard for me to follow him... oh well, he'll be back soon.

Hours pass, and still no sign of him.

My mother comes in, has a few laughs at my expense, then unties me. She's the greatest mother, she has no problem with me having sex... even kinky sex. I rub my wrists and look at the clock while I get dressed... close to midnight. Where could Mike have gone to? Maybe he just needs some time alone. I fall asleep on my bed.

October 1st, 2006

I hear about Mike's suicide today and I begin to cry. Why hadn't I told him? I did love him, I always have, but he'd always been with someone else... Bridget. And, from his letter, I could figure out why he had killed himself... because of what we had done... if only I had told him how much I loved him, perhaps he would still be here... if only I had showed it somehow, perhaps he would still be with me.

I'm going to move out of my parents house tomorrow to a place in Boston. Maybe there I can forget about this terrible tragedy... and also about my love for him.

October 1st, 2007

I look into the mirror and I hate the person I see there... what have I become?

My life is meaningless now... after Mike, none of the relationships I had had any meaning... it was all about the sex... I can tell the difference.

I sit and begin to write...

Dear Mike

I know that you will never read this... for you are gone. But I want you to know that I love you... and I hope that, if there is an afterlife, we will meet each other there.

I take a can of spray paint and write on the walls.

"I have seen true love, I know what it is and I know that I will never again find it."

I enter my bathroom, lie in the bathtub and, using a razor blade, slit my wrists open. I think about Mike... and then there is only blackness.