Starlight, Starbright

September 18th, 2003

"Well, as my friend said, the best way is the direct way" I say.

I reach over and kiss Mike passionately. He seems shocked, yet not shocked, as if he was expecting it... which he may have been. He often seems to know what I am about to do. Or maybe nothing can shock him. The kiss continues as Mike falls backwards on to the couch, pulling me with him.

After we break apart he looks at me with such love and compassion in his eyes that I'm taken aback. I feel giddy at finally having someone love me, the real me and not some image that I've given them. After all those other brain-dead slobs I've dated, I have finally found a decent man who loves me, wants to be with me and cares about me.

"Are you regretting that?" he asks me.

"Of course not... I love you" is what I want to say... but Mike wouldn't understand it... he'd see it as a sign of weakness in me... and I want to show him how strong I am... so I say "No... just thinking" instead.

It's obvious how much he loves me... the story he wrote about me... all the poems... and his eyes proclaimed it every time I saw them... or is it all an act?

He smiles shyly and says "Your mom will be home soon... I better go."

"Alright" I say, with almost no emotion in my voice.

I don't want him to leave... I want him to be in my arms forever... but if I told him that, he'd laugh at me, right? Can't have him thinking that I'm some sort of girly-girl, like his last girlfriend.

How he disliked the last one... and he had every right to dislike her. She was a selfish person with the brains of a doorknob... and that’s putting it politely... completely wrong for a bright person like my Mikey. And the way she dressed! Shocking... I don't know why they dated in the first place.

He leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts. As I watch his bike speed off into the darkness, I start to think about him and me.

I know I love him with his naive charm... his shyness... his poetry! Oh, how I love his poetry. So dark and depressive, yet it shows how caring her can be. I love him so much and I think he loves me as much... but what if he doesn't?

I get up to make myself another cup of tea. My couch creaks as I stand up and I think to myself "It's not beyond saving!" as I remember how Mike had described it in his story.

What if he's faking it? What if he doesn't love me? What if he just wants my body, like all the others? What if he wants me to have sex with him? Can I? After what happened with Frank? After he fucked me and when it got boring, left me with nothing? Can I trust Mike that much? Can I ever trust a man that much again?

What if he's like Frank?

I ponder the problem for a few minutes... and I decide that when Mike wants to start, we'll start, and also to let him bring it up. I don't think he's lying to me, I don't think he can lie to me. And I do trust him... I can see the love in his eyes and I know I can tell him anything.

There's so much that I want to tell him... so much that I want us to do together. Why don't I tell him... he'll understand. "But what if he doesn't" says my cynical side. "What if he takes your problems and laughs at them? What then?" I sigh and decide to put off telling him more about me for a while.

September 20th, 2003

"Hello Bridget."

I hear Mikes voice coming from over by the stage that he's helping to assemble for an outdoor Mass at my mothers church. It's such a kind act for him because the church is Catholic and he's not even Christian... he's an atheist evolutionist as I call it, he prefers to say that he has no religion, as science is not a religion, but I'll damn well call him anything I want.

"Morning" I mutter in a dour tone of voice.

Why am I in a funk? Because my mom drags me here, on a Saturday, to help out... and I'm not even Catholic... I'm a Wiccan. Mike's great about that though... he accepts my religion, where as my mother and the rest of my extended family can not.

Or is he really okay with it? What if he just wants my body and is willing to agree with anything I say that will give him a better chance at me? What if he's all show and no substance? What if... but the what ifs are pointless. I start to measure out the rows of chairs with Mike holding the tape measurer and me planting the stakes.

The morning passes quickly, and we break for lunch. But, before we go to the mall to have lunch, I remember that I have to run home and get a cheque that my mother had forgotten. I'm about to start my twenty minute walk home when Mike offers me his bike.

"Just don't break it!" he says.

I know that his bike is actually his dads (and that it costs $400) and that he has never lent it to anyone before this, so I accept his kind offer and take off for home, loving him all the more for what he has done and still unable to tell him... why am I unable to tell him that I love him? "He won't think you're weak" I tell myself. But I remain silent...

I return to the mall a half an hour later with the cheque and a sheared hamstring that was caused by me biking. I haven't biked in two years, ever since my last bike got totalled in an accident. Mikes eyes are full of concern for me, but he doesn't show it in any other way. "Why doesn't he show it?" I wonder. Is he afraid I'll think he's weak? Nah, he knows that’s not true. I remain silent about it, not wanting to intrude upon his life.

Lunch is at a little restaurant in the mall. I'm not really hungry but my mom forces me to eat a salad. Mike orders poutine and my mom orders liver and onion. Mike and I finish quickly and he just sits, staring at me... or in to blank space. My mom takes a while longer to finish. When she finishes we walk outside where my mom phones for a taxi. Mike takes off on his bike, saying that he'll meet us back at my apartment.

During the taxi ride, I think about Mike... how can he love me, yet be so bad at showing it... why won't he love me in public? Is he afraid of being seen with me?

Later that evening after we had returned to my apartment, (or, I should say, my moms apartment) we sit on the couch and watch a movie together. He puts his arm around me gently, like he's afraid I'll bite it, and I slide my head onto his shoulder. Taking his hand in mine, we lie together, just letting the sound of the movie flow around us. No words are needed... or are they?

Was he really happy, just lying here with me, or does he want something more? Just how real are all these feelings he claims to have about me but never shows? Maybe he just wants my body.

I look at Mike and see that he's looking at me also. "He's not that handsome... and he's a little bit on the heavy side... but there's just something about him which draws me in.

He smiles and I'm taken back to the last time we dated... for this was not the first, nor the second, but the third time around the block for us.

I remember Mike smiling at me as he hugged me goodbye after our weekly bowling league practice. I remember one night, after we'd spent the whole day together, how Mike had kissed me goodbye I remember the look in his eyes... so similar to that he has now, how it had been full of love and sorrow... why sorrow I wonder?

Mike sneezes... his allergies are acting up again. Plus he has a cold, but he's here with me anyways.

My thoughts return to the first time we dated and how deeply in love with him I was... and how badly I was treated. Mike never seemed to want my love then and I, three years later, didn't want to accept his. But third time's the charm as they say... maybe this time we can make it work.

It's not that I didn't want his affection, it's that it scared me. He was thinking forever and I wasn't ready for forever quite yet.

And what is he thinking this time?

And why does he keep coming back to me? Why me and not someone who will love him openly... like his last girlfriend? Why me?

As he falls asleep I begin to think about that. Why, out of all the women in the world, had he picked me? I know myself well... I know that I have problems... some serious... "what makes him keep coming back to me" I think, just before I fall asleep.

I wake up before he does... I always do. I run my fingers through his hair as I gaze at his peaceful, sleeping face... I wonder if he dreams about me? I know that I do about him.

My dreams are full of nightmares... and when Mike is in them, it's only so that I can lose him... or so that he can die, in front of my eyes.

He wakes up, stretches and the n sees me. He smiles and hugs me... and I think "How can he not love me?"

After he leaves, I begin to think about telling him about how much I love him, care for him with his mix of child-like innocence and adult maturity, and how I want him to stay with me, just so we can hold each other...

"One day... when the time is right, I'll tell him" is what I tell myself.

The next Monday, I develop pneumonia.

I spend most of my week in my bed, staring at the dragons in my room. How I hate my room... I love the decorations which I have, but the room is tiny and the bed is uncomfortable... it sinks to the floor whenever I lie on it. I move into the living room whenever I can

Thursday, I call Mike to let him know that I'm okay... as okay as one can be with pneumonia. He tells me how sorry he is, because it was his cold which gave me pneumonia... which it may have well been.

After I hang up, I wonder how long this will last, how long it will be until Mike learns just how deep my feelings for him are. I wonder how he'll react... can he handle this depth of emotion, or will he run away?

Saturday comes and I go online to post the most recent chapter of my series. People think that I am a great author (as does Mike) and are always begging me for the next chapter. When I get on, I see that Mike is online and we talk for a bit about trivial things, but he obviously has something important on his mind. Finally he begins to type something long.

"Bridget, there is something that I would like to talk to you about, alone, and, although I would be more comfortable doing this online, I think that I should do it in person."

I ask him what he wants t o talk about and he says that I will find out when we talk.

I agree to remind him next time we're alone together and he goes off-line to start work on his homework, leaving me to wonder what he wants to talk about.

My heart sounds as I consider the possibilities. Is he going to break up with me? Is he going to beg me for sex? Or maybe he has some sort of fatal disease that he needs to tell me about?

"Or maybe he wants to tell me that he loves me" I muse to myself.

I finish typing the chapter, post it and log-off. I'll find out soon enough what he wants to talk about. Perhaps I'm becoming jaded.

October 4th, 2003

"Hello Bridget. Mind if I come over tonight and we can have our little talk?" says Mike.

I'm a little bit scared now. Can a little "talk" be a good thing or is it a bad thing? Is he mad that I haven't put out for him? Or does he want to break up with me for some other reason? Does he want to break up with me at all?

"Sure" I say.

After all, it's the only way to find out, isn't it?

"Excellent" he says. Then, with a smile, he turns around and leaves. Why doesn't he hug me, like he used to do? Why can't he take control?

Later that evening, over the pounding rhythm of Disturbed, I hear the doorbell ring. I know that it's him, so I hit the button to open the door, then turn off the music.

My hearts pounding again. What does he want to talk to me about? The butterflies in my stomach begin their gymnastics again as I hear a knock upon my door and I open it.

He comes through my door smiling. Dropping his denim jacket and bike helmet upon the chair nearest to the door, he walks over to my couch and sits, his amulet hanging upon his chest. His amulet is a black heart with a rim of silver. It hangs from a silver chain and he says that it's a symbol of his love for me... but all men say things like that without really meaning it... right?

"Hello Bridget" he says.

"Hey" I reply from the kitchen counter where I sit.

He pats the cushion beside him.

"Would you please sit down and then I will begin."

I walk over to the couch, sit down and look at him expectantly.

Thoughts tumble through my head. I try to read his expression and his body language, but it's too confusing.

He seems to be debating something within himself. A minute passes. Finally he looks over at me, smiles and then kisses me. The passion behind it forces me back across my couch, so that I'm lying on my back. I pull him with me, so that he's lying on top of me. Intense emotions flow through me and I kiss him back so hard that I'm worried about breaking his jaw. Finally we break apart, and he hugs me tightly and whispers into my ear the words "I love you."

I pull back, slightly startled. I gaze deep into his eyes and see love and compassion.

I pull him back to me and hold him tightly while whispering into his ear "I love you too."

He hugs me tight and holds my hand in his.

I've never felt so loved in my life, and we remain like this for several minuets, though I wish it could last for hours.

But I begin to think about all the stuff that Mike doesn't know about... the drugs, the rapes... will he still love me after he knows everything?

We sit back up. I wish we could have stayed like that forever. He leans against the arm rest and I lie on his chest, feeling his heart beat and his arms around me. He begins to speak.

"Bridget... I need to talk to you about something."

"Yes Mike?"

I wonder what it is... but after what he just did, it can't be anything bad.

He looks deep into my eyes... takes a deep breath and then, at a really fast pace, begins to speak.

"I'd like to know what you think about us having... carnal relations."

I laugh... Mike is the only person who would call sex "carnal relations." He looks at me curiously and I explain to him why I was laughing. He nods, then he continues.

"I remember that as a kid I did... some things which I now regret. I took advantage of you and didn't give you anything in return... and I'm afraid that if I tell you now how much I want you (and I do want you) you'll think I'm just another sex-hungry guy... even if I'm not. I think that sex is indeed a very fun and pleasurable act... but that's not why I started dating you... I'm here because I love you and I care for you and I want to be here for you when you need me. So it's pretty much up to you how far we go... I just don't want to force you or make you feel pressured to do this..."

He falls silent and I look into his eyes... he's worried. Why is he worried? Is he afraid that I'll catch him in a lie? What is he lying about then, if anything? Maybe he's just worried about what I'm going to say.

I really don't want to make this decision... I want him to. It's obvious he wants it, but I think he wants me to make the first move. Mike's not really much to look at... he could lose some weight and he just doesn't have what it takes to be a hunk. But does it really matter to me?

I look deep into my heart and find that, no it doesn't matter.

"I understand Mike. I'm not quite ready... but when I am, I'll tell you."

What am I saying... I want him to take me right here... but no, we'll wait until the time is right.

"Alright" he says "That's all I ask."

He holds me tightly against his chest and I give a sigh of joy.

Time flies by and soon I look outside to see that night has fallen. Mike suggests that we move outside to gaze up at the stars.

I love the night and I think he does too... so I agree.

Every time that we've done this, Mike always says that well-known rhyme that every child learns at one point.

Starlight, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight

Then he mouths his wish, which I can never make out... and he always refuses to tell me about it.

Tonight, he remains silent though. He smiles to himself as if thinking of a private little joke.

"Aren't you going to make your wish, Mike?" I ask.

"No."

"Why not?"

He remains silent for a moment, as if trying to decide how to best answer my question... then he looks at me and smiles. He reaches over to embrace me and whispers in my ear...

"It already came true."

I was his wish? I know that he's not joking... but me? How can he wish for me... I'm so fucked up... out of all the women in the world, why me? But I know he's not joking... and I don't care about the why only that he does love me.

He holds me tightly and we remain silent, enjoying the moment that I wish could last into eternity.

But midnight comes quickly and we have to return inside.

I'm tired, as is he, so we put on a movie that we both love called Queen of the Damned. The book is better but the movie is still pretty good. We sit cuddling on the couch and I think to myself "I love him so much... all he wants is to be here with me, holding me. Why don't I tell him? He'll understand" and then I fall asleep.